I don’t want you to be scared like me. I don’t want you to be paralyzed like me. By indecision, by fear. I’m not sure I remember ever being comfortable. I’ve always been scared. Once it starts, it doesn’t go away. I think you either have it or you don’t. 

Did you hear the music when we were driving? You probably won’t appreciate this like I did, but the vibes for our road trip on this day were immaculate. Manning Fireworks by MJ Lenderman just came out. Like, that day I think. We listened to it as we drove along Shuswap Lake. Just winding along the mountain sides, the water guiding the way. Did you hear me laugh when he sang the line about his docked houseboat when we literally drove past a dock full of houseboats?

What about when the trees sunk back down into the earth and the forest turned to high desert? The lake shriveled down to a trickle, but it never completely left. The mountains collapsed into huge rolling hills, covered in dead grass and it looked the life was running away. We listened to Wild God by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds and this time I laughed at the joy I felt. Because it felt like all the life had left outside and it was chasing after us down the road. Because this day was just too good.

We kept climbing and climbing, and I realized we were on the Coquihala, a highway that has quite a reputation in our parts. I’ve heard many a trucker tell tall tales about the time they had to wrassle with the icy roads of the Coquihala. It was a blast to drive on, I will admit. Your dad is not much of a car guy, but this was proper fun. We switched up the vibe to suit our needs, you know, kick out the jams.

Did you hear me shout, “This is The Clash! Brand New Cadillac! It’s the first song off of London Calling, buddy!” Will it sound familiar when I play it for you when you’re here? If I show you how I’ve learned to feel joy, will that keep the fear away?

Do you remember when the riff kicked in? We were a little ways further down the road, we were heading up. Way up. Almost at the peak, nearly there. Did you feel that the world was moving faster, as your mother held my hand and I pushed the pedal down and shouted out loud in excitement, in pure joy. That’s what pure joy sounds like, buddy. When you’re pushing a vehicle as hard as it will go, so you can make it to the peak of the mountain just as T.V. Eye by The Stooges rips apart the atmosphere all around us and Iggy screams, “LOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!”

Will you remember that I can’t hear that guitar riff without stopping everything I’m doing? Will you realize that that is what joy is? I know I can’t hide my fears from you, my worries. I’ve hidden them from many, many people over the years, usually for no good reason other than the fact that I was really just afraid of myself. I didn’t tell you that part yet. I always thought I was afraid of the other things, the big things. But it turns out I was just afraid of me, afraid of the things that were going on upstairs. There’s always strange creaks and heaves coming from the attic, that’s just what attics do. But will you see when I start dancing that I feel no fear? That four freaks like The Stooges can kill fear? In those precious moments everything that holds me back gets held back. Will you see that? 

I can’t hardly wait. Can’t hardly wait to meet you. I can’t wait to tell you about the first time we touched. Your mom grabbed my hand and put it on her belly, and there was nothing for a little while. But then there was a quick *tap* that I felt right in the middle of the palm of my hand and I felt the vibration from your tiny foot shake through my whole body. For a long time, that was the only way I felt you move. Mom would feel it first, then she’d grab my hand, or tell me, and then I’d feel you move. Kicking or pushing against the inside, swiping along the length of her. And it was a miracle every time, always just on the other side of possibility.

But do you remember the first time it was just me and you? You and I? You weren’t out yet. I woke up early, I had some time, but I couldn’t fall back asleep, and I was feeling kind of sad. Sometimes I’m like that in the morning. I rolled over and your mom was still sleeping. She snored so loud when you were in there. She was snoring and I rolled over and cuddled up behind her, I put my arm around her waist and put my hand right in the middle of her belly. She always made this cute little humming sound when I did that. She’ll probably do the same thing with you too, when you touch her. That’s a lesson too, your mom likes touch. She loves it. That’s how you show her you love her. One of the ways, anyways. That’s lots of others that I’ll teach you.

That reminds me, while we’re talking about songs that absolutely rip. Toe Cutter - Thumb Buster by Thee Oh Sees. I think that song came on right after T.V. Eye. You’ll want to remember that one, your mom loves it. But you probably already knew that, seeing as how that’s the song that she blared during her morning commute on repeat in order to get pumped up to go to work before she went on maternity leave with you.

So I put my hand on her belly, she’s still sleeping, and I’m wide awake and it’s way too early and I’m still sleepy, and then out of nowhere, *THUD! THUD!* You kicked so hard, twice in a row. And then you pushed out for a long time, I don’t know if it was with your arms or your legs, but I could feel you pushing right against my hand. And then you just danced, tip tapping all over my hand. Just you and me, with your mother sleeping. I don’t know how she could have slept through it, you were moving so much.

Was that you showing me that you were figuring out how to dance? That’s right, buddy, sometimes you don’t need tunes. Love is enough for that. Just happy, Monday morning quiet dancing. You don’t need to be afraid then. I hope I showed you that, I hope you’re already figuring it out. Lots of these things, you don’t have to think about. You’ll just know it, don’t worry. 

Can’t wait to keep on dancin’ with you.